Former Commander of the Elite Unit Making Headlines Speaks Part 3
Part 2 is here
INT: Are the zombies themselves the result of government experimentation?
CAIN: No, they're a result of global warming.
INT: Do you have evidence of that?
CAIN: Some, "accounts" from before the first ice age. Cave paintings. There were few incidents in medieval literature, coordinated with tree rings. Fourteen fifty-two or fifty-three, 1601, 1783, 1815? All those were very cold years, and each time there would less and less incidents. It dropped off completely around the turn of the century; no incidents until the 1960s.
INT: What changed?
CAIN: The climate, to start. Whatever creates them, you'll have to ask the doc's about that. We know what it looks like in people and how to treat it. You put a bacterium or virus or prion in a lineup with the common cold? I couldn't tell you who's who. But they started happening with such regularity that throwing regular units at them proved...a bad idea. Later, they trained us to handle other things.
INT: And now they are standing up two more of these units?
CAIN: That's something you'll have to ask them. I'm retired. We had to cover the whole country; which wasn't so difficult. All the were-people were in Maryland. We also handled outbreaks and other things.
INT: Vampires?
CAIN: Yeah, sorta. They're not magical or anything. Blood is their main staple, covering a lot of vitamins and minerals, but they need starches and greens, too. They can't digest most meats, though. Mostly they keep their heads down, regular citizens. The ones that dine on blood only are very thin and need a lot to survive. Purists, they call themselves. But, they would mostly be hunters, you know? Drinking blood from rabbits and deer and shit.
INT: Until the cultists? They declassified some of that; most of it was redacted, but even then, there were references to blood rituals.
CAIN: Yeah, they sprung up a few places. All over the mid-west; but really spread out. I blame the fucking internet for that shit.
INT: Are they...infectious?
CAIN: Nah, but they can breed. So what do a lot of cult leaders do?
INT: Get women pregnant?
(Cain taps her nose twice)
CAIN: That's right. Ordinarily one of them meets a nice non-vampire person, they do what men and women do. If it's a vampire lady, almost 100 of the time the baby is born with the need for blood. V-guy to a human woman? Sixty to forty chance.
INT: So they would leave the forty percent to die?
CAIN: My sweet summer, child. No. That was an in-house source a dietary staple.
INT: Jesus!
CAIN: Hey, cultists man. Add something that people think really is supernatural, like religion?
INT: There are no ghosts?
CAIN: It's Cain, not Venkman.
INT: Well played...
CAIN: No, never seen anything that would suggest ghosts are real. Never seen any telekinesis. No one ever turned into a bat, or a goat, or crow.
INT: But...a really big dog.
CAIN: Were-persons don't actually grow any extra hair, I might add.
INT: So they look like a giant naked dog?
CAIN: If they are hairy before they change, they're hairy after.
(A large cat brought a dead bird and dropped it near Cain and proceeded to meow proudly)
CAIN: Who's a good girl? Where was this one? Eating the corn? Wait here a second...
(The cat waited patiently, seated on her hind quarters. She's a large, regal-looking cat, well-fed and well-groomed. Cain brings out a can of tuna fish - Chicken of the Sea - opens it, and puts it down in front of the cat who purrs while happily eating.)
CAIN: You know he - my husband - he hated cats; he thought the way they behaved, the way they killed things? It was bad. But I have four cats here, and this one is a number one killer. Cats are natural killers. We used to fight about keeping them, you know. He was more of a dog person. But you have to love a thing for what it is and not ask it to be something else.
INT: How did he handle your service?
CAIN: Mostly well. He knew me. You know how we met?
INT: Please, tell me and everyone else.
CAIN: Well, I saw him around, at Hopkins, He was just... cute you know? Like, he was good looking but it wasn't sexual. I was ROTC, and I'd see him around and he was just you know... this beautiful boy. I wanted him bad.
INT: When did you talk to him?
CAIN: Oh, I had no confidence at all. You know, generally? I've...you know... I mean I did, and sometimes women just assume all men they are attracted to are just all kinds of experienced and awesome and that made me feel really shy.
INT: Talking to him...
CAIN: Right, sorry. He was at the Charles Village Pub and I sat down next to him and said "Hi, I think you're hot." And he blushed all the way to his ears! He was so adorable, you know. He was like a puppy or something. I just wanted him, you know? We did have sex that night, a few times. The first time was...bad. We were both virgins and you know how that goes. But the fourth time was good!
INT: You had sex four times that night?
CAIN: Well, we both had heard about sex a lot, read books and such. But no, we'd never done it before. It was mostly funny, figuring it out. But that fourth time? Yeah, really good sex.
INT: So you miss him?
CAIN: Only every day. He... was just... always you know, beautiful. Like, even with cancer, he was just gorgeous. His veins and stuff... no body hair at all, he looked like some kind of angel.
INT: Did you have sex when he had cancer?
CAIN: Not really, in the regular sense. He was always so warm after chemotherapy, I would just hold him. If he was up for it in the morning, we'd hit it, yeah. He was weak for a long time. It got to a point where he was just dying. Couldn't get it up anymore, and he wasn't himself. I would just hold him.
INT: Is that how he died, in your arms?
CAIN: You know what's fucked up? No. I went out to get orange juice for breakfast and he died while I was a the fucking grocery store.
INT: How did that feel?
CAIN: It feels like I'd rather talk about killing monsters instead.
Part 4
INT: Are the zombies themselves the result of government experimentation?
CAIN: No, they're a result of global warming.
INT: Do you have evidence of that?
CAIN: Some, "accounts" from before the first ice age. Cave paintings. There were few incidents in medieval literature, coordinated with tree rings. Fourteen fifty-two or fifty-three, 1601, 1783, 1815? All those were very cold years, and each time there would less and less incidents. It dropped off completely around the turn of the century; no incidents until the 1960s.
INT: What changed?
CAIN: The climate, to start. Whatever creates them, you'll have to ask the doc's about that. We know what it looks like in people and how to treat it. You put a bacterium or virus or prion in a lineup with the common cold? I couldn't tell you who's who. But they started happening with such regularity that throwing regular units at them proved...a bad idea. Later, they trained us to handle other things.
INT: And now they are standing up two more of these units?
CAIN: That's something you'll have to ask them. I'm retired. We had to cover the whole country; which wasn't so difficult. All the were-people were in Maryland. We also handled outbreaks and other things.
INT: Vampires?
CAIN: Yeah, sorta. They're not magical or anything. Blood is their main staple, covering a lot of vitamins and minerals, but they need starches and greens, too. They can't digest most meats, though. Mostly they keep their heads down, regular citizens. The ones that dine on blood only are very thin and need a lot to survive. Purists, they call themselves. But, they would mostly be hunters, you know? Drinking blood from rabbits and deer and shit.
INT: Until the cultists? They declassified some of that; most of it was redacted, but even then, there were references to blood rituals.
CAIN: Yeah, they sprung up a few places. All over the mid-west; but really spread out. I blame the fucking internet for that shit.
INT: Are they...infectious?
CAIN: Nah, but they can breed. So what do a lot of cult leaders do?
INT: Get women pregnant?
(Cain taps her nose twice)
CAIN: That's right. Ordinarily one of them meets a nice non-vampire person, they do what men and women do. If it's a vampire lady, almost 100 of the time the baby is born with the need for blood. V-guy to a human woman? Sixty to forty chance.
INT: So they would leave the forty percent to die?
CAIN: My sweet summer, child. No. That was an in-house source a dietary staple.
INT: Jesus!
CAIN: Hey, cultists man. Add something that people think really is supernatural, like religion?
INT: There are no ghosts?
CAIN: It's Cain, not Venkman.
INT: Well played...
CAIN: No, never seen anything that would suggest ghosts are real. Never seen any telekinesis. No one ever turned into a bat, or a goat, or crow.
INT: But...a really big dog.
CAIN: Were-persons don't actually grow any extra hair, I might add.
INT: So they look like a giant naked dog?
CAIN: If they are hairy before they change, they're hairy after.
(A large cat brought a dead bird and dropped it near Cain and proceeded to meow proudly)
CAIN: Who's a good girl? Where was this one? Eating the corn? Wait here a second...
(The cat waited patiently, seated on her hind quarters. She's a large, regal-looking cat, well-fed and well-groomed. Cain brings out a can of tuna fish - Chicken of the Sea - opens it, and puts it down in front of the cat who purrs while happily eating.)
CAIN: You know he - my husband - he hated cats; he thought the way they behaved, the way they killed things? It was bad. But I have four cats here, and this one is a number one killer. Cats are natural killers. We used to fight about keeping them, you know. He was more of a dog person. But you have to love a thing for what it is and not ask it to be something else.
INT: How did he handle your service?
CAIN: Mostly well. He knew me. You know how we met?
INT: Please, tell me and everyone else.
CAIN: Well, I saw him around, at Hopkins, He was just... cute you know? Like, he was good looking but it wasn't sexual. I was ROTC, and I'd see him around and he was just you know... this beautiful boy. I wanted him bad.
INT: When did you talk to him?
CAIN: Oh, I had no confidence at all. You know, generally? I've...you know... I mean I did, and sometimes women just assume all men they are attracted to are just all kinds of experienced and awesome and that made me feel really shy.
INT: Talking to him...
CAIN: Right, sorry. He was at the Charles Village Pub and I sat down next to him and said "Hi, I think you're hot." And he blushed all the way to his ears! He was so adorable, you know. He was like a puppy or something. I just wanted him, you know? We did have sex that night, a few times. The first time was...bad. We were both virgins and you know how that goes. But the fourth time was good!
INT: You had sex four times that night?
CAIN: Well, we both had heard about sex a lot, read books and such. But no, we'd never done it before. It was mostly funny, figuring it out. But that fourth time? Yeah, really good sex.
INT: So you miss him?
CAIN: Only every day. He... was just... always you know, beautiful. Like, even with cancer, he was just gorgeous. His veins and stuff... no body hair at all, he looked like some kind of angel.
INT: Did you have sex when he had cancer?
CAIN: Not really, in the regular sense. He was always so warm after chemotherapy, I would just hold him. If he was up for it in the morning, we'd hit it, yeah. He was weak for a long time. It got to a point where he was just dying. Couldn't get it up anymore, and he wasn't himself. I would just hold him.
INT: Is that how he died, in your arms?
CAIN: You know what's fucked up? No. I went out to get orange juice for breakfast and he died while I was a the fucking grocery store.
INT: How did that feel?
CAIN: It feels like I'd rather talk about killing monsters instead.
Part 4
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