To My Daughter

My Dearest Marisol, 

As I write this, I am feeling no physical pain. It is disturbing, to say the least. 

This letter will find you after I am dead if I don't survive this; tío Charlie will have given it to you. 

I have to tell you some secrets I will admit I'm uncomfortable with.

And it is my shame that I only thought to share these things with you when confronted with my mortality again and further my cowardice in your seeing this letter after my passing. 

Before I met your mother, I don't remember having feelings. Any at all. I was just moving through the world. Getting up in the morning. Going to my job. Doing my job. Coming home from my job. It was like winter forever. 

I know your mother told you about the winter of 1996 but I don't think she told you that's how we met. 

There was something in... what could be called my brain and my heart at the time.

I pulled some money from my savings and pre-payed my rent for three months. 

I don't know why. 

And then the snow came. I loved New York so much. The noise was so constant. I loved it.

I love the screech, the clang, the honk, the hiss. The noise filled my soul. The smells, too. I love it. I would get off the subway two stops away from wherever I was doing and just to take in this lovely city.

This place of people. I felt so human every day. In this way, and in this time sometimes I'd like to think that every time I'd breathe in the rich air of Brooklyn some part of you became real. Some part of me became real.

The snow stole everything from me, my dear child.

The silence hurt me. It was cruelty. My darling heart I was so alone. 

What was what even? I was lost and scared and alone. I was so close to being human. So close to being a real person. 

These memories are flooding my brain because they have given me these stupid drugs that dull my senses and my pain and now all I can do is miss you 

I was out on the fire escape just desperate for any sound at all.

The snow was killing every sound.

I think I prayed. I just needed to hear something. Anything. 

And the smallest thing, not really a sound in the regular sense so distant it might as well have been on the moon but I was desperate for any noise I heard it "eeee" and I flung myself off the fire escape like all those superheroes from the comic books you always asked for. 

My Heart, I was at that moment, a superhero.

I dug out Joey and wrapped her to my chest. She was so cold and so close to death and I said "NO." With one arm I pulled myself back up the fire escape and started up the stairs and your mother flung her window open and said "THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?" and I was honest as I would be to her for the rest of my life.

"I'm very sorry, if I didn't do anything this kitten would have died." 

Your mother reached out and touched my face. 

"You'll both freeze if you don't get inside, idiot." 

When you read this letter I hope you know now I'm with Joey, The Killer Cat.

He sat with you and purred forever when we brought you home from the Neonatal intensive care unit. 

Now you know, I hope, that Joey demanded I become human. Your mother demanded I become smart.

But you, my dearest daughter, Marisol. You gave me a heart, through no demands. You finished my life and now as your read this letter my only regret is I cannot be there to dry your tears. 

I am sorry you have to miss me.

I am here and so is Joey. 

Anytime you risk your life, I am here. 

Anytime you help someone, I am here. 

Anytime you feel alone, I am here. 

I am here. I am never gone. 

Never. Ever. 

You made me a real human being. I can never, ever be gone. 

Because you are my heart.